Grieving Together

Pastoral Note | by Pastor Luke Davis

For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together… And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

Rom 8:22-23

The death of a beloved DCC member has rightly led to an outpouring of grief. We are groaning and lamenting with the family, ourselves as friends, and among our whole church body. As we eagerly await the final redemption of our bodies, we get to grow in our personal stewardship of grief and our relationships with others who are grieving. To that end, I would like to share a few helpful points about walking in grief.

• Affirm the impact – The way in which people process death can vary widely, but it is uniform in that it makes an impact. Whether a person feels shaky, angry, morose, or any other combination of emotions, we can validate the extreme feelings with which we meet death because it is alien to God’s original creation plan. Don’t try to deny or simply dismiss this grief as silly or unnecessary. Death is wrong. It shouldn’t feel right.

 

• Draw near – Facing the death of a dear one is startling. We can easily withdraw from others in our grief or from those who are grieving. But this is neither healthy nor in line with God’s design. He wants us to weep together (Rom 12:15). What can you do in these circumstances? Draw out a grieving person’s memories and connections to the person who is gone. Or, if you’re grieving, find someone to whom you can honestly talk out what you are feeling. Processing aloud will likely lead to tears, but it is good and healthy. It will also protect against grief “stagnating.” And in Christ, we are not ever really alone. Ps 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Turn to him in prayer. Grieve with God, not apart from him.

 

• Resist grief’s temptations – Each person grieves differently, but there are some temptations which are common to grief: doubt in God’s goodness or presence, anger over God’s providence that leads to distance from him, and self-pity as we allow pain to orient all of life around ourselves instead of God.
  The ministrations of the Spirit, fellowship of his people, and the passing of time help with these. Nonetheless, be on the lookout for these temptations in yourself and brothers and sisters around you.
  Grieve in the Gospel – Gently remind yourselves and others that Christians have an abiding hope beyond death (1 Thes 4:13). Our eternal life has already begun in Jesus. Death is a portal to access a new, richer phase of that everlasting life. Death should never be seen as right, but in Christ, it is the last trial to endure before faith becomes sight.

 

• Be patient – Grief is weird. Some aspects are predictable, others are not. A person can swing wildly from one intense state to another, or arrive at a place of stability out of the blue. Unfortunately, this can mean that friends pull away from someone in the throes of grief. But that’s not the way the church is to act. Grief is often an opportunity for us to “bear with one another in love” (Eph 4:2).

 

Dear ones, let’s look to and lean on Jesus, together, as we mourn our beloved member’s death. Allow this stanza from Katharina von Schlegel’s “Be Still My Soul” to give shape to your heart:

Be still, my soul! when dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shall you better know his love, his heart,
Who comes to soothe your sorrow and your fears.
Be still, my soul! your Jesus can repay
From his own fullness all he takes away.

 

PS. If you find yourself “stuck” or debilitated by grief, I encourage you to reach out for help to our Care Ministry. Members, you should also feel encouraged to reach out to your shepherding elder with any questions or needs.

 

For the Kingdom,
Pastor Luke